Death Is Not Negotiable

How many of us go through each day thinking about the possibility of not being here tomorrow?  Something like a cancer diagnosis will definitely give you a different perspective, regardless of the severity, and no matter how much people love and care about you, they cannot understand that perspective unless they’re dealing with something similar.  But the rest of us go on with our day, trying to make it to Friday, to vacation and eventually retirement when we can lay it all down.  We’re busy with work, busy with kids, busy trying to stay in shape.  We have a mortgage, car payments, school loans and a maybe a lake house so we can have something to look forward to on the weekends.  And we are aware of all of the terrible things in the world; war, disease, famine, drugs, trafficking and murder.  But worrying about all of that makes it hard to get through our busy days on the way to Friday, so we just stay in our lane.

That is, until you or someone you love gets a diagnosis, gets into a terrible wreck or is the victim of violence.  When that happens, all of that superfluous stuff goes out the window.

Last week, just before New Years Eve, I received a call from my sister: Our second cousin, Spencer and his wife, Monique were brutally murdered in their home while their children slept in the next room.  And now, almost two weeks later, there is still no suspect, no palpable reason for such a cowardly, heinous act.  No resolution or even a person to hate, despise and hope for similar, justifiable treatment.

Spencer was always a great kid; affable and kind.  The type of kid who had no qualms about wearing a skully cap and a bowtie even as a teenager.  I’d see him once or twice a year at family gatherings…Christmas, reunions, etc.  I remember talking with him at length about his plans to go to dental school.  He was the kind of person who you just enjoyed being around.  I spoke briefly with him and Monique at my dad’s 90th birthday party last year while their three-year-old daughter attempted to grab the cups on all the tables.  They were successful, kind and lovable people with a bright future, lots of friends and a loving family.  And now their children’s lives will be forever changed.  And so are we.

Obviously, this has affected our entire family.  We’ve all been pretty close over the years.  A product of Luigi and Esther Magliano’s many years of family gatherings.  And while there have been some tough losses, including Terri, my wife of 33 years, nothing this severe has ever happened to this family.  It’s the kind of thing that happens to other people.  The kind of news clip we briefly digest and scroll past just about every day.  We might feel bad for a moment, maybe send up a prayer.  And then we go about our day…trying to make it to Friday.

Despite our best efforts, death is inevitable.  We jokingly say that no one makes it out of here alive, but we really don’t give that much thought.  Oh, we may have deep conversations with friends and family or perhaps with the priest, pastor or members of the Bible study group.  We may have even taken the stoic route and resigned ourselves to the fact that nobody lives for ever, so, momento mori…”remember you must die.”  Death comes wether we are ready or not.  It comes to the rich, the poor, the good, bad and the ugly.  The young and the old and to people in-between.  Death does not discriminate.  Like it or not, death is the one thing in life that unites all of us.

Death is not important; it’s how we spend the time before we get there.  Because everybody gets there.  Any aspect of the Bible, Old or New Testament states this very clearly.  So does just about every other faith, depending where you are on that spectrum.  We tend to believe it’s the big things, like giving money to the poor, working in soup kitchens, going to church every Sunday…all great things, for sure.  But I think it’s the small things that matter most.

The little, insignificant things that nobody sees, like letting somebody make a left turn when you’re in a hurry, or holding the door open, maybe having the courage to smile and say “hi” to someone as you pass them in the store.  It’s relationships we share with friends and co-workers. It’s the time you spend with your husband or wife, watching that show you both like on Netflix, or being the first to say you’re sorry, even if it wasn’t your fault.  Husbands…it’s always your fault.  It’s the time you spend with your kids, no matter how old they are.  Just little things…like naturally being the type of person that everyone enjoys being around.

Death is not negotiable, but life is.  We may not be able to chose how and when we die, but we do have a choice about how we live.  If we live every day with the realization that our time is limited, we might be a little more kind, a little more lovable, a little more fun to be around and a little more grateful.

I sent this passage to my siblings the day after we all heard the news.  It has always given me a sense of peace.  If you’re struggling, I hope it does the same for you.

“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Romans 8:38-39

Dave Magliano