How To Do Fatherhood

I’ve known a lot of tough men in my lifetime, but I have to say in all honesty that my Dad is in the top ten, at least for me. Perhaps it’s a matter of maturity, or maybe it is simply God’s design, but we really don’t appreciate our parents until we’re older and possibly have kids of our own.

My old man played football in high school and college before helmets, thick pads, and rules. He worked his tail off in the summers laying blacktop roads among other physically demanding jobs. He was commissioned in the United States Marine Corps right out of college and was known for being a tough but fair leader. I may not have all my facts straight, but I understand he once found an enlisted man asleep on guard duty…an offense punishable by courts martial at the time. Dad decided the young man would learn a better lesson and keep his freedom if he had a little sense knocked into him as a reminder. Learning from the best, I would employ a similar tactic during my military career, but I gave my insubordinate subordinate the option to settle our differences with boxing gloves. All stuff you couldn’t get away with today.

My dad is the son of an Italian immigrant who, like so many others, came to America with nothing more than the will to thrive. Grandpa would eventually become a respected and well-known tailor here in Cincinnati and made suits for all kinds of people including guys like Johnny Bench, Pete Rose and others. He was the quintessential self-made man and never allowed any excuses for himself or his two sons. Dad’s brother, my Uncle Lou, would eventually take the reins of the family business and continue its success until the day when hand-made clothes became a novelty rather than a necessity.

Dad was never interested in being a tailor and wanted to carve his own path, a sense of individuality that he would instill in his five children. And if you grew up in Phil Magliano’s house, it didn’t matter what you decided to do with your life, but you sure as hell were going to do something with your life. The night before I left for basic training, he gave me a piece of advice that we all got at one time or another: “Do whatever you’re told to do; do it to the best of your ability…and don’t take any shit from anybody.” Advice like that falls on deaf ears unless the person giving it walks the talk. I had the honor of being fathered by a man who did just that and still does. Now in his 80s, Dad is still one of the toughest and smartest men I know.

Let me tell you what happens when you’re raised by a man like that. One of the most important traits you develop is the knowledge that the world doesn’t care about any excuses you make for yourself. It doesn’t matter who you are or what has happened to you. You are the captain of your success or failure in life and if you have a family, you’d damn-well better make sure you are successful or working your butt off to be so. It doesn’t mean that you have a big house or expensive cars, but you understand your responsibility as a husband and father to give everything you have to take care of your own.

In today’s world of blurred lines, definitive and uncompromising traits like these are a rare thing. Somehow being a strong father who is not afraid to show some tough love in its many forms has fallen out of vogue. I think this societal shift started happening as far back as the 60s and we’ve been sliding ever since. In the mid 90s, I was stationed in Japan and I had to report to my commander one summer because one of our concerned neighbors saw me “beating” my sons in our front yard. Actually, I had just read them the story of The Sword In The Stone, and we were play fighting with the cardboard swords we made that day.

Unfortunately, there seems to be an ever-growing group of people who are intimidated by the strong male father figure. I’m not talking about violent, uncaring men who take their aggression out on their kids or wives. I’m talking about strong men, men like my father who embrace their role and get after it. They don’t make excuses for themselves and they don’t outsource their responsibility for disciplining their children to teachers, coaches or martial arts instructors. That’s one of the reasons I don’t teach karate to children. You want your kids to learn self-respect and discipline? Well, then by God, live it. Be the example you want your kids to follow.

Anyway, this post is obviously meant for Father’s Day. Mom had her own indelible traits as many women do and I could write a whole book about that.

Here’s the thing; being a dad more or less forces you to learn skills one-the-job that follow you for the rest of your life. The things I learned from raising children influenced my work relationships as well as my role as a therapist, a coach and a martial arts teacher. None of those things would have happened if I hadn’t had a role model to follow.

Thanks Dad.

Dave Magliano

Tatsu Dojo

Jissenkan Budo

Dojo Cho